Lemon Drops
by The Winter Wizard
Summary: Have you ever wondered the real reason why Dumledore keeps a bowl of *Lemon* Drops in his office all the time? You can find out, but it's a dark and dangerous road - one that Harry Potter regrets ever setting foot on! Still wanna know? AU!Parody!Mature


**Disclaimer:** Guess what? I don't own Harry Potter! *sob, sob*

**Author's Note:** I don't know if this has been done before. Even so, I'm writing it anyway since it's basically a crack-fic and definitely a one-shot. I don't think we want poor Harry to experience this again! Anyhow, this is just a quick drabble on why Dumledore always has this mysterious bowl of Lemon Drops that he in his office which he sucks on all the time and even offers to different people on occasions. This is basically making fun of a certain something that you'll find out in this drabble.

Enjoy!

X~X~X~X~X~X

If there was anything Harry James Potter wondered in his war-torn life – it why Professor Dumledore, of all people, kept a mysterious and creepy bowl of Lemon Drops sitting in his office.

Rumour had it they had sat there for decades ever since he became the Headmaster of Hogwarts like all his other instruments had. Knowing the old wizard, Harry would not put that past him since Dumledore rarely let House-elves clean his office and would always do that by himself.

This made him all the more suspicious since Dumledore would offer Lemon Drops to everyone who entered his office. His password was even Lemon Drop once and that just screamed conspiracy.

So it was that the Boy-Who-Lived found himself standing outside the gargoyle that guarded the Professor's office one evening, to ask this latest question that had been on his mind persistently. Dumledore had been ignoring him of late and wouldn't even answer normal questions.

Harry had begun to feel so frustrated with the old coot, that he had finally come to discover the mystery of the Lemon Drops. Taking a deep breath, Harry braced himself and tried out what he believed to be the passwords.

"Lemon Drops," He announced.

He was right for the gargoyle creaked aside allowing him to pass. Harry climbed down the stairs and entered the office, saying hello to Fawkes.

"Harry by boy!" Dumledore said in surprise but still with his old grandfather mask on.

Harry turned about to face the Headmaster whose eyes held that age-old twinkle in them, making Harry want to cringe.

"Hi, Dumledore," He said. "I just had a question for you."

"If it's not about Dark Lords, Horcuxes, Deathly Hallows, normal rights of wizards, Hogwarts, memories, and Severus Snape; I'm sure I can answer it," Dumledore said, chuckling at his own joke.

Harry grimaced at the poor attempt of humour.

"It's not one of those things," Harry said.

"Ah, good then," Said Dumledore. "Ask away!"

Harry took a deep breath before blurting out what was on his mind. "What really are those Lemon Drops? I know they are nothing normal and must be made of powerful magic for you to like those Muggle sweets so. They are bad for your teeth to eat so many and I know that you are not so blind to realise that."

"Spot on! Spot on!" Dumledore laughed genially, slapping the table joyfully making Harry wince. "I knew you'd see the light sooner or later."

"Well?" Harry prompted.

"Oh, yes, of course," The Headmaster said.

Clearing his throat, he stood up and strode from behind his desk towards the Lemon Drops. Muttering something under his breath, he cast a spell which created a golden glow around the Lemon Drops.

Harry gasped.

Much to his surprise, tiny little name tags materialized out of thin air above each and every Lemon Drop like those 3D blue screens from Star Trek. They were very small, but as he leaned closer he could see two names on each and every screen with an X in between them. Some names were familiar and others were not making him squirm in dread at the thought of what they could possibly mean.

For example, there were HarryXGinny, RonXHermione, HarryXHermione, RonXLuna, HarryXDraco, DracoXGinny, DracoXMalfoy, HarryXDaphne and numerous others. Underneath each of them were equally tiny tags which ranged from titles like slash, femlash, canon, fanon, het, yeti, yuri and others. There was even one called Harry!Multi that made the Chosen One's eyes bulged.

_If these are what I think they are!_ Harry thought in panic and fear.

"Want a Lemon Drop?" Dumledore asked casually, picking one up from the bowl. "This one is my favourite."

Harry was horrified to see it was the HarryXDraco one with slash underneath it. Wanting to see if his suspicions were correct or not before spreading around a rumour, he took the offered sweet gingerly and took a small bite of it. Immediately, words of Draco Malfoy echoed in his head in a most pleading manner and he was shocked to see them standing in the Prefects Bathroom.

"_I'm sorry, Potter!" Draco cried, sobbing freely. "But I just can't hold it in anymore, all that angst and drama is driving me nuts. I just don't want to live in a world without you. Every time I look at you makes me feel like a piece of me is missing. I can't hide our feelings anymore from the others or I will go mad inside."_

"_Oh, Draco, my love!" Harry cried, and then he realised that they were both naked in the bath water and clinging to each other for dear life. "I can't stand it either and I don't care anymore to hide us from the world. Let us bask in our love and not be shy of it! To hell with the Wizarding World and all of their evil schemes, I only want you now!"_

"_Oh, yes, my love!" Draco replied and his lips crashed against Harry. They kissed each other passionately and thus began a heavy make-out session as their hands ran all over each other's bodies. Soon, Harry was giving the blond wizard a blowjob while the wizard in question was crying out Harry's name in sheer ecstasy._

Harry had had enough and spat out the Lemon Drop along with the rest of his lunch. He could only imagine what the rest of the lemons were about, and that sickened him.

"What's the matter, Harry?" Dumledore asked worriedly. "Was that too strong for you? If not, I have a sweet Hurt/Comfort Lemon between you and Ron!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!" Was all Harry could say as he screamed his lungs out before running out of the office, leaving a very dismayed Dumledore behind.

Sadly, the Chosen One ran all the way to Antarctica where he hid under the Ross Ice Shelf in fear for his life driven insane by nightmares of Lemon Drops and Prefect Baths. And the Wizarding World never saw of him or heard of him again!

**The End**

**A/N:** Well, there you have it! I guess I contradict myself as I do like Lemons and one or two odd slash stories. I'm not a prude as you might think, especially if you look at the stories I wrote on my profile but I just thought this story was too funny to miss and I simply _had_ to write it. Well, now that it's over a review would be much appreciated and maybe I can write more of these involving other characters from the Harry Potter Saga.

So R&R to your hearts content!


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